Anxiety Rising


This is from a date a couple months ago. 

In a week in a half Nathan and I are going to San Francisco to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary.  If you have talked to me at all in the past six months I am sure you have heard about.  Some people are probably ready for me to just GO already so I will stop talking about it.  We have been talking about this trip for probably about 6 years now (since Hadley was born).  In the past six and half years Nathan and I have not had more than 24 hours to ourselves.  Here we go though, we are going to spend FIVE full days basically just the two of us (and everyone else in San Francisco).  The two of us without our four little minions.  The minions that I love.  The minions that I spend my days with, devote my time to, plan my days around.  Those kids that dictate my sleep, my eating, my moods- I’m leaving them.  As I have planned this trip different worries and anxieties have come and gone.  I feel like the ones I am experiencing now are the most raw.  I am about to spend FIVE days not taking care of little people.  Five days not worrying about nap time, bed time, feeding time, kid activities.  That sounds nice, right?  Well I think it will be amazing!  BUT also, it makes my heart scared.  My identity is wrapped up in being Hadley’s mom, Noah’s mom, Harper and Amelia’s mom (actually I am not Harper and Amelia’s mom- no one ever calls me that, maybe just the crazy mom with “all those kids”).  I LOVE being their mom.  I love spending my days with them.  I know many moms struggle with their identity as a stay at home mom, I am not one of those moms.  I know 100% this is what God wants me to do and this is what I want to do and this is what Nathan wants me to do.  All around happy!  But what is going to happen in a week and a half when that identity is stripped from me (just for five days- kind of) and I have to do things I want to do for me, things Nathan wants to do for him, things we want to do together.  This has sounded amazing for soo many years and now…that we are here…I am freaking out.  Not about how the kids will do while I am gone, I know they will be fine.  They will survive.  That used to be something I have worried about but not anymore (I am sure it will come back around next week).  Right now I am scared that I won’t have anything to talk about for five days with my husband.  I LOVE him and LOVE going on dates with him and getting to talk to him about adult things (or our kids) but those are for just a couple of hours.  Who am I going to take care of? Who am I going to bathe?  Who am I going to give zerberts too? Don’t get me wrong, I am super excited to have a break from parenting, to get to spend a week with my husband.  I think it will be amazing for our marriage, I think we will have a blast.  But as I sit here, on the verge of tears, I can’t say that I won’t miss taking care of my kids.  That is scares me that I won’t be doing this (again, I know it is only five days and a lot of you other mamas think I am over reacting and maybe I am, but these are my feelings). Over the next week I will be praying for less anxiety, I am not normally an anxious person.  I will be praying for peace, for comfort, for excitement.  I will be praying for the moments I have with my kids are filled with joy and not stress.  And then when we fly on the airplane away from Arkansas I will be praying for joy and not stress, for the moments I have with Nathan to enjoy and invest in our marriage.  Pray with me friends.


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