When Amelia was born life was about survival. Making it one day to the next. Not much more and hopefully none less. Now that Amelia is four months old I am trying to do more than survival. Sometimes that is very difficult. Sometimes I feel like I am on top of things, like I can accomplish SOME things but I never feel in control of everything anymore. My house is ALWAYS a disaster. My kids are usually not clean. Noah probably always has sand in his hair and Harper probably has chalk residue in her mouth.
I used to try to be the best mom I could be to my kids. I still try but it has changed. When Amelia was born I just kept thinking, well I am doing better than the druggie moms. Or better than the mom’s who sleep on the couch while their children make dinner and watch tv until midnight- then wake themselves up to get on the bus. I am doing better than some (I know those are judgmental thoughts- but it was my thoughts.)
That standard is not satisfying anymore though. I want to be the best mom I can be. Even though I am trying I often feel like I am failing. I cannot give each kid the attention I feel like they need, the amount of attention they want. I have four amazing kids. They are unbelievable. I want to experience that more throughout the day though. I am tired of just going through motions with them. I want to sit down and spend a morning reading books to Hadley and Noah without interruption from babies. I want an afternoon spent staring at Amelia, watching her grow, coo, and smile. I want some time spent discovering new things with Harper, figuring out how things work.
But I don’t get this. And that has to be ok. I am thankful for my four kids and there is NO WAY I would ever wish this wasn’t my life. But it is different than I had imagined and sometimes different is hard to embrace. I want to give my kids the world but I need to accept right now that isn’t possible. Luckily for me my kids are usually satisfied with life. I think this is right where God wants me though. (Isn’t that how it always works?) Turning to Him, turning my kids to find joy in Him, seeking Him to help me make it through the days. I don’t write this in search of compliments. These are just this mama’s thoughts.